Recently, I asked a digital cat about the weather. It didn’t go so well.

“Hi Poncho” is one of Facebook’s genuine chatbots. What’s a chatbot, you ask? They’re computer programs that live inside instant-messaging services like Facebook Messenger, Kik, Telegram, and Skype that help you shop and answer questions. You talk to them. You ask them things. They respond.

Most of the time, they have no freaking clue what you’re talking about.

It’s not like chatbots are a bad idea. They can actually be really cool. Just take a look at the YouTube bot on Telegram — Telegram is a rival transfer messaging app — which can let anyone easily section one of their favorite viral videos while chatting with friends or relatives. Even this dumb CNN bot (see image) was unruffled smart enough to send me a reminder about the Clinton/Sanders debate yesterday evening.

The spot is that Facebook’s bots (unlike those on Kik, Telegram, etc.) are masquerading as something they are not. None of Facebook’s novel bots are artificially intelligent. They just have a limited number of preprogrammed responses.

Believe it or not, today’s technology could actually let you have a conversation with a computer program — not just kick your ass at games like Chess and Go. Microsoft’s Tay chatbot is just the most modern to show the promise of having a reasonably luminous discussion with an AI-infused bot — right up pending the part where pranksters tricked it into spewing drug-addled, Hitler-loving nonsense.

But that’s not what most chatbots do. The ones you’ll find inside your transfer messenger aren’t AI, they’re just simple tools. They’re just limited apps where you might be able to use wearisome English like “Show me men’s clothing” or “What’s the atmosphere like today?” instead of pressing a button with your finger.

As long as the bot is luminous enough to realize that the words “weather” and “today” are the ones that actually matter.

Sadly, most of these early chatbots aren’t even that luminous. Their developers give you the buttons to press with your finger, too, because fingers are often better. If you try to actually talk to most of today’s bots, they’ll totally ignore you. (Unless they’ve actually got a earth behind the scenes: Shop Spring seems to be cheating at this whole robot thing.)

I can’t really blame Poncho or CNN for populate such crappy bots. It’s not their fault that they don’t actually have artificial intelligence late the wheel.

Also, I really don’t want to alienate our future robot overlords when they inevitably read this story.

Disclosure:
Sean Hollister’s wife works for Facebook as a business-to-business video project manager.